16 on the 16th Series: April
Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to us! Happy Birthday Rebecca and Erin, Happy birthday to us! But mostly me! Not cuz she’s dead, but because this is MY WEBSITE.
Just kidding… mostly. My humor gets darkest around my birthday.
It’s April 16th! The day I was born. 4/16/88 - A perfect birthday in my opinion. It looks so clean and precise with 4x4 and the 4+4 and the 8s that look like infinities. The more I learn about my birthday and the astrology surrounding it, the more I believe in the philosophy of as above/so below because it’s been so literal in my life. Everything happens together and everything is connected. If you’d like to get me a gift, you can share my website, my blog, my art, and my life with someone you think would like it. That would mean so much to me <3
Why don’t I get into the astrology of my birthday? Just a bit? Why not, it’s my birthday! I am born with the sun in Aries. The sun is your life presence and way of being and Aries is the independent kick starter of the zodiac. I have a lot of entrepreneurial blood in me and I am loud about it, hence my website with a blog literally dedicated to my thoughts. However, Aries is in my 11th house of community, friendships, and tribes so, for me, my individualism feels best when I see it reflected in the people I care for most. My first house of self is in Gemini. That means while the Sun was in Aries when I was born, the horizon was in Gemini, the sign of the twins. And guess what? I was born a twin! (Seriously when I tell you it’s literal, it’s LITERAL). My rising sign also has Chiron snuggled right close next to it, signifying my eternal wound that eventually becomes my healing balm. Let’s recap - my house of self is the sign of the twins next to my never healing wound and my sun is in the most individual sign, but it’s in my house of community. Makes sense to me!
I’m thinking about reading a bible. I went to vacation bible school and Sunday school when I was young but have I ever read a bible? No. I’ve heard the gospels at Christmas every year, I know the big tunes but I haven’t read it. So I’ve been doing a little research and looking at different versions because the translation and the interpretation are crucial. Ideally, I want one that has dates or years because grasping the timeline by listing what man begot what man isn’t cutting it. When Abraham begot Isaac who begot Jacob who begot flotsam who begot jetsam … yeah… how many years between this?! Also what’s a year? Caesar hadn’t made the calendar yet. Anyway- I think enough killing is done in the name of this book… maybe I should read it.
I really like sprouts! To eat them and to watch them grow from little seeds. I had some seeds from a bouquet of marigolds that I just plopped into some dirt and they did nothing for months. Then I reused the dirt for a spider plant cutting and wouldn’t you believe it, now they’re sprouting away! I feel like my love of sprouts and spring has something to do with being an Aries. It really is my favorite time of year and I think if Aries had a taste it would be a sprout. If Capricorn had a taste it would be a seed. Hmmm interesting.
4. I am always so happy and amazed when people are excited about the same things I’m excited about. I forget I have more in common with people than not… I want to get to that place a little sooner, maybe even start from it
5. I watched the Nickelodeon docu-series “Quiet on set” and the sexual assault they talk about feels so regular. Pre Me Too, pre internet this shit was RAMPANT, and I can only imagine what it was like for generations before me. I think of the way boys grabbed at me when I was young and I didn’t always feel like I could say no. I can’t imagine how I’d feel with someone like a TV producer who had incredible power over me. I used to wish to be Amanda Bynes when I was little and it was heart breaking to hear this story. The amount of assault that happens in the world is unthinkable and horrifying. In the docu-series, when one of the most terrible incidents was being described by the victim, the b-roll was a closed cabinet and an open doorway. And that’s fucked up! What are they trying to do? Show the room as maybe the victim saw it? That’s triggering and weird af.
6. I love myself through time. Which has been a newer revelation. I am so grateful for past Rebecca- she looked out for me. That bitch saved my life more times than I can count. Even just little things, I am so grateful for. Like- when I need a hair tie and I know exactly where to look because past Rebecca told me she put them in the cabinet. She’s my memory. But she’s tricky, she has a sense of humor and I don’t always get to be in on the joke. After having this thought, I went home and got a note in an old notepad from past Rebecca with wishes, a lot of which I’m happy to say have come true. So, as I celebrate my birthday, I need a moment to celebrate the past Rebecca who got me here alive. Sometimes I feel like past Rebecca can be a little selfish, but she puts me first a lot and really, that’s her job isn’t it?
This was my favorite dress, and I always had chapped lips as a kid.
7. My 6th grade teacher was a really incredible woman and educator and communicator. She helped me understand things in a cohesive way. I could see causation and analyze it and she saw that in me and encouraged it. She told me my greatest gift was seeing connections. That was something I really cherished in myself and still do. It’s why I write this shit down- because it’s how I see my life and I want to know if others are the same.
8. Sometimes I feel like my friends worry about my life, especially my muggle friends who make money doing muggle jobs. I worry about money sometimes but to be honest, I know it will come when I need it and it always seems to. Sometimes I worry that they worry too much.
9. I got to thinking about villains the other day. It’s so complicated to pin someone down as a “bad person”. There are people who are increasingly more selfish than the next person with varying levels of morality, but is that a villain or just another human? I guess if their low level of morality includes killing me, then that might be a villain to me. I really don’t like war, y’all. I wish we could just stop, it’s all greed and fear.
10. I think I’m gonna bring Snapchat back. -The most millennial thought I’ve had all year.
*Bringing
11. As I said earlier I can appreciate, respect and be grateful to myself through time. Past, present and for the first time in my life, future. I always thought I would die young. I thought anything I got was extra time because Erin died so young. I felt like I had to prove I was worth living not just for myself but for her as well. So I assumed I’d live and die in a blaze of glory. And boy have I tried, but truly for the first time I can see my future as something I want to be a part of, whether I live or die.
12. Sometimes I feel like half a twin and I just want to feel like a whole me.
13. In the last 30 days I made some big strides with my solo show, Rita Libretto is: The Ring Cycle. I always say she’s in her infancy but maybe now she’s becoming a toddler, because I worked her out in front of a crowd and we filmed bits for a reel to be sent out to people who will hopefully help me fund her. Rita aint the fanciest broad but she will inevitably cost more than I have, so once again I’m on the hunt for ye olde Ben E. Factor. Less of a thought and more of an update…
14. The solar eclipse that happened last week in Aries I was expecting to feel more from. I have my sun, moon, and mercury in Aries so I figured I’d be really amped for it. I’ve been just vibing through April, especially since March was such a heavy outpour of creativity. Mars (Aries ruling planet) will be moving through the eclipse point May 26th and that is the planet of action and will power so hopefully I feel some ripple effects then. And Mercury is retrograding through Aries anyway so maybe I was expecting too much… it’s nice to take things slower this time of year.
15. I usually say I have a body but maybe I should say I am a body. Will that make me feel more ownership of it? Because really, I am this body, and once I don’t have this body anymore I, as I know myself, will cease to exist. So why do we say have and not am?
16. There was an earthquake last week in New York City. The earth shook from underneath me and I have never ever felt that before. I’ll tell you what I was doing too- I was sitting in my kitchen, it was the morning and each morning I sit in my kitchen and I journal. This morning in particular I happened to be journaling some dirty smut. Just for fun and for me but the dirtiest of dirty smut you ever did lay your eyes on. In fact, avert your eyes, you’re not old enough. Anyway… I was writing this dirty smutty scenario and then when that wasn’t enough I began to doodle a dirty smutty picture when BAM, the earth quaked. And let me tell you - I have never felt so powerful in my entire life. Not saying that my writing, and my horniness made the Earth turn into my own personal vibrator but I’m just telling you what happened. I also felt scared as fuck, I called for Deb and I said to her, “We have no where else to go.” And I’ve been sitting on that thought since. If the Earth goes, then I go with her. I’m not Bezos, I’m not any of them. I can’t fly to the moon or some space station and wait it out like the people in Wally. It really made me feel aware of my life and shared experience with everyone else living. And I’ll just leave it there.
