16 on the 16th Series: December
Holy shit. December. I made it an entire year with this blog series and I am very proud of myself! It has been a real testament to how far I’ve come as a writer and how vulnerable I have allowed myself to get here. I have learned so much about my weird brain watching it from this angle and it has inspired some of my favorite conversations with others. Being curious about the way I think and noticing judgement when it’s there has made me a better artist, a better listener, and a nicer and happier person. I also think watching my thoughts and writing them down has made me fiercer when it comes to the things I actively want to think. I’m so grateful I did this series and a big heartfelt thank you to the people who have been following along and writing to me and telling me their thoughts. We all think em, after all.
I’m getting increasingly paranoid about water. How will I know when it isn’t safe to drink? I try to tell myself these aren’t the most today rational fears but… aren’t they? I rely on so many systems that I don’t understand to work so that I can pour myself a glass of brita filtered water from my kitchen sink. And all these systems are about to be disrupted.
In my grief therapy work I feel like I am detaching myself from Erin. I can see where I was confused as a young kid about death and how I, with my imaginative mind, got carried away with stories I’d tell myself- that I was dead and she was alive or about different ways we could find each other in another dimension. I have a line I use in my elevator pitch about Erin’s life where I say, my DNA has already lived and died. In fact, your DNA changes throughout your life, so 50 year old identical twins have slightly different makeups due to a range of factors that cause mutations. Actually, the DNA of twins begins changing even as soon as the cells split to become two zygotes, in the first 2 weeks after conception. But, the truth is we had a LOT of the same DNA and her DNA did die when she did, but her problems weren’t genetic. They were physical developmental and I developed in utero without them and was born healthy. So yesm I watched my DNA live and die when I was a helpless baby with no concept of DNAs, but probably a hell of a lot of sensitivity and intuition, considering who I am now. And that makes me feel less like I had a twin that died than I’m just another person that lived through infancy.
Queer’ecital: Reclaim the Ritual was a HUGE success! It has me rethinking about what routines, rituals, and mundane acts are how everything can be a celebration of gratitude to life and history.
The past year has been a real punch in the gut for women and I am so curious how this Venus retrograde in Capricorn goes. Venus was retrograde last in ther summer of 2023 but that time was in the sign of Leo, so think -loud pink feminine energy. Ya, that was when the Barbie movie came out and all of Hollywood went on strike. Now, Venus is going to go retrograde in Capricorn, the sign of ambition, strong opinions, of power and discipline that hold those values high. Pluto just finished it’s transit through Capricorn and I think just what we need is for the Venutian things in our lives to be have the sturdiness of the sea goat.
A mantra I’ve been using lately is, “I am so thankful to be where I am right now” which… I dk. I’m looking for a new one.
I liked to pretend to run away when I was a kid. I wanted to see how long it would take for people to realize. At the clothes stores I would hide in the racks and think my mom might be able to leave and really forget I came with her. But I always wanted to see them not seeing me. I would hide in the backyard and watch the house waiting for them to come screaming out missing me. I’m thinking about this more since my parents moved and I won’t be able to run away from that house again. Is this a normal game kids play? Probably.
Okay so, I write these thoughts throughout the month on my phone and leave myself little note breadcrumbs and I can usually piece together what the thought was. I have no memory of this note but I’m going to just leave it as is. - Pour water with your ears.
I really can’t believe I did 12 months of these thoughts. I’ve been going back and reading them a little bit to prepare for the last one and I gotta say one of my favorite things this experience has brought me was the 16 Thoughts Live I did in August. We had a little share circle of thoughts and then Matt and I facilitated discussion and conversations about mercury retrograde. It was really lovely and I would definitely do something similar again. And here I am- recording my thughts on the day after mercury retrograde, again!
New mantra: I am very brave and very strong. I can hold a lot and I can be brave enough to set it down. I stay present and reflect on my actions and thoughts without ego. Which in turn finds my ego and soothes it ever so slightly.
King Spa is a magical beautiful place and if you’ve never been you ought to. This is the Korean Spa I go to in Fort Lee, NJ and it is one of my happy places on Earth. I can go from tubs to saunas, eat some noodles, take a nap, sit in an oven AND drink a carrot juice all in one day. It also is a wonderful breath of fresh air for my body acceptance. Being naked with other people in a relaxed way is very freeing for me. It is gendered there and I have notes but just the act of being naked next to a stranger is good for the soul.
I did a piece called “Eve” for Queer’ecital that I want to continue exploring and workshopping. Molly read the story of Adam and Eve with cello, violin, oboe, and piano doing continuo/improvising with me singing over top. It’s really crazy to dissect a story you think you know so well. One of my earlier thoughts this year was that I wanted to read a bible. Well, I think I’ve started.
Hey! There’s the knight of cups! – I just read tarot for a friend of mine’s holiday work party and I pulled over the knight of cup and BLAM her boyfriend showed right up two minutes later to check in on her. It was very cute. And then for another guy I was just reading the cards as I saw them and he was like, “Are you like reading my body language or something too?” being like, “What’s the trick.” And I told him, well I’m reading the cards but yes, I read you too just like I would anyone that I’m sitting next to having a conversation with. And I think people need that more than ever. More conscious interaction with people in real life. We are so so hooked into our phones and computers and zoned out brain that we feel nervous when the person right in front of us is acknowledging we’re moving in the world simultaneously. Like I was doing something to him by observing him while in full connection to him.
Prometheus. What a wiley little God. Giving me fire but not telling me how to wield it. We had a second performance of Prometheus at Queer’ecital and we cut it up and did it with a video, it was kinda cool. But it still needs work and I am not sure who what why or where
I have some projects that have been moving forward and I have some projects that are stubbornly in the mud. Rita is chugging along and I learn more about her every time I work on it. I have loved doing this blog but next I am going to make a more disciplined schedule around Rita so I’m happy I already have the writing time built in.
Last year at this time I asked myself a question on my blog. I said “If I drop the persona I thought I needed, then I have the responsibility to really be myself, and then who do I have to blame if I don’t feel fulfilled?” Reading it back now, I feel like it’s kind of assuming I won’t be fulfilled either way, and that any direction means failure. But what I’ve learned this year is that the only way to fulfillment is to be my true self separate from my thoughts. I felt like the responsibility to be myself was a burden, not gift and over the last year I’ve found that being myself is a lot easier than I thought. I feel less judgement from myself and care less about what other people think too. I still mess up, but the fall out has been easier because I don’t have to climb out of a hole first to deal with it. So, to answer my question I’d say, there is no one to blame, only someone to thank.
