16 on the 16th Series: October

Oct 19

Another month, another missed 16th.

I really am trying to get these out on time. For all those heroes who have always worked a full time job - how do you have time for everything else in your life? I hardly have enough time to do my job and sleep let alone sing and write. Having a new business ain’t for the faint hearted, that’s for sure. But I’m trying my best and keeping true to my word. 16 thoughts… just a little late again.

Firstly - I need to acknowledge October 5th. The ifs, ors and buts of my life begin on Oct 5. It’s the day my twin sister died 36 years ago. This year the astrology on the day felt very poignant and literal. Mercury was squaring mars which feels like a face off between will power of the individuality and the duality of twins. I feel like a singleton, but am a twinless twin. I’m alone but together. It’s like my soul is realizing this for the first time over and over again. I wonder if I would feel more or less like my own person if Erin had lived.
It’s my 10th month doing these thoughts and I have a thought about them. These thoughts change shape so many times throughout the month, and that allows them each to alchemate into me in many ways. They go from thought to conscious wonderment, to note in my phone or on a piece of paper, to paragraph in a computer, to published on my website and shared. Each time I visit them I think about them differently or with a different moments perspective. They evolve and change slightly from one thing to another, and changing me in the process. I also love using the word alchemize. Am I the keeper of the sorcerer’s stone? Changing metal into pure gold and any liquid into the elixir of life? Or is the trick to make gold no different than any other metal and eternal life not all it’s cracked up to be?
Mercury Cazimi was on September 30th and I was trying my hardest to listen for messages. It’s the point where Mercury goes next to the Sun, it happens multiple times a year, and it’s when communications get a spotlight shined on them. I had been having a long week at work and my buddy and boss Isaac set us up a cute little lunch on the stage which stupid silly lighting and the blues brothers soundtrack playing. It was a moment that just made us both smile and continually quote Dan Akroyd saying, “We’re on a mission from God”. A three days later on the day of the Cazimi, I passed my food handlers license test. A medium sized hurdle I had been working towards and work, and a requirement for my new job. After the test, I went for a walk through Union Square Park and I was letting my mind wander about work and how much effort I’m putting in, and wondering if it really is worth it. We’re a little theater trying to do a big thing and we only have 3 people working full time. This is the most of myself I’ve ever put into a job and it’s a lot to manage and a lot of unknowns to overcome. As my stroll brought me to the south side of the park I was called over by the game folks, “Hey you with the donut” which I shall now be known as. For those not aware, in Union Square people set up to play chess, scrabble, dominos etc. for some cash and I figured I had some time to kill so I sat down with the guy who called me. He asked if I’ve ever played chess and I said yeah, but I don’t think I’m very good, and we started a game. As we were going through he kept showing me little tricks and patterns and helping me out, it must have made it more fun for him too because I was quick to pick it up. I could see 2-3 moves ahead but I knew he was seeing way further down the road. He said, “It comes with experience, you don’t know what you don’t know til you know you don’t know it, but then once you know it you’re all good.” I felt like that was the message I needed to hear about work too. I’m in a chess game and I’m just learning how to play. I’m constantly saying, I don’t know - let me find out/figure out who does know/make up a system and go from there. After the game I asked him his name. “Elwood” and I said, “Oh, like the blues brothers” and he said “Yeah, I’m on a mission from God.” So, that was that Monday cazimi moment.
This Cazimi also was extra potent because it was happening in the South Node, the place where Solar Eclipses occur. It happened on October 2nd. After meeting Elwood I was walking home through Williamsburg and I found this perfectly good lamp on the street so I picked it up and knew exactly where I was going to put it. Little did I know I was planning a small eclipse of my own with my moon clock.

5. I used to sing sick a lot. I don’t get as sick as often as I used to- not since Covid and starting more intensive therapy than ever before. I had to sing sick this month and doing that brings up this type of anxiety that just crushes me. It makes me feel literally worthless and I know that seems harsh but it’s how it feels. I was able to get myself to where I needed to be to perform and I reminded myself that the voice is only one aspect of the performance. My musicality, my stage presence, my acting… all of that can still be sparkly and good, even if my voice is a little under. So I feel like I made a big leap in perseverance. I found out two days later I actually had Covid. Don’t judge me.

6. Three years in a row I’ve had Covid during this time. First one was when I was in Germany, and wasn’t too bad, last year I was sick for like 10 days and had to move out of my apartment, and this year I was just so tired. I quarantined by myself and rested but still had to work some. But dang… same week every year and it’s always so difficult. Like adding another hard challenge to a hard time. I used to be sick a lot around Oct 5 when I was a kid. Anything to get to stay home. I’m not a good sick kid. I have a hard time letting time pass, I have a hard time chilling and doing nothing. I have a hard time being in pain. I don’t like any of it no thank you.

7. The most unique thing about me makes me more similar to everyone else. I don’t have a twin. Same with the majority of people. I don’t have a twin. Except I did have a twin. And I still do if you count the dead. On October 5th I went out for a walk, I was still sick but I needed to get out so I just popped around the neighborhood. There were some people having a stoop sale on my block and I looked through their books and found this gem. Hello to you too, Erin.

8. I listen to Erin. But in order to listen I need to shut the hell up once in awhile and that has been a life long struggle for me. I’m reading quiet and learning about the power of introverts. I have the hardest time being quiet. Here goes. Update: 4 days later I put it down for a different book. It couldn’t hold this extroverts attention

9. Also on October 5th I had the urge to eat spaghetti and meatballs. I was coming down hard from Covid and I just wanted some god damn spaghetti and meatballs so I went to the store, got pasta and meatballs and a jar of sauce (I’m not being fancy, I have covid) and I remembered I had some parmesan cheese in my fridge. I thought it might be old so I made sure to check it when I got home, and wouldn’t you know the expiration date on the package was October 5th. It felt like another weird moment of hello from Erin.

Covid and grief make me loopy

10. The Earth is our most important resource. It’s insane who flippant we are with her and how easily we forget. I just started reading Sweet Grass and thinking about the wisdom of plants. Stay tuned.

11. I saw these 9 delights on Instagram and thought they sounded like a good idea. Here you go

12. t’s amazing to me that I have a home theater. It’s a real dream. I live in NYC and I have a theater that I can perform at virtually whenever I want. This year so far I performed there in January, March, May, June, July, August, October, and will for sure again in December. I work really hard to keep it running but I also work really hard to produce art there as often as I can and I’m just so proud of myself for creating this space.

13. Speaking of which - I’m doing readings every Friday in October in the BAH lounge! It’s been very cool to read for strangers and mingle energy like that. I’m learning a lot. Next week is the last one so sign up if you want one!

14. I like looking at old books. They really don’t make them like they used to. If I lived 40 years ago I wonder if I would write books instead of blogs.

15. The NY Liberty and MN Lynx are in the finals and I love to see it. Except, I can’t actually see it because I don’t have cable and I don’t work at a sports bar anymore. I watched the game last night on google play by play which just gives you little snippets of the action, a clock that changes every 30 seconds or so, and the score. It was a tight game and MN pulled through but watching it unfold in this way was so cool. Like reading about it in the paper, even before the radio broadcasts. I’ve come full circle.

16. Last thought I want to dedicate to a story I read in the New York Times that stuck with me for obvious reasons. Taiwo and Kehinde were a twin musical group from Nigeria and Kehinde died five years ago. “My sister has posted her face on my face. Looking in the mirror, I will ask myself, ‘Are you Kehinde or Taiwo? Which one are you?’” Reading that I felt such intense grief but also intense connection to them both. You can read the whole story here, if you subscribe to the times of course. I don’t actually, but I saw this in printed form at a coffee shop. What good timing.